Rabbit Hole

l found myself in a rabbit hole at one time or another. The emotions that are released, the questions that come up, the wisdom that passes, the memories that come to mind, the future plans that you scrutinise, the worries that life leaves you with rightly or wrongly, and much more.

What might be an interesting question; when do you get into such a rabbit hole and perhaps an even better question; how do you get out again? To answer these questions, I can only speak from my own experience. After all, there is no right or wrong or only one way to deal with this.

After all, what works for me may not necessarily work for you. I can only share my experiences and perhaps they will be useful to you should you find yourself in such a hole.

There are different reasons to get into this hole. Divorce, burnout, depression, illness, grief and many more reasons, which I don't know either. Nor is it a given that you only get into such a hole once in a lifetime. Any unpleasant event in your life can be a trigger to end up in such a hole.

Fortunately, there are plenty of times when such a hole is not lurking at all, because you are just doing really well. You enjoy life, who you are, the things you do, with the people you love.

I ended up in such a hole several times, because of burnout, divorce, grief, insecurity.

Burnout was the first time I came into contact with such a hole for me. The rabbit hole of my burnout was quite deep. I call it burnout, but really it's just a collective term for everything that wasn't going well in my life at the time. Although I had some of the symptoms of burnout; dejected and tired, but these were not the main reason for the burnout.

Looking back on it, a lot of things were playing out at the same time; not being happy in my marriage, not enjoying my job, a lot of headaches also a big contributor.

At that time, I was thinking a lot about; what I wanted to be when I grew up. With my parents as my role models, I saw how hard they both worked to give me and my brother, the life they thought we deserved. And let me say that we had a fantastic childhood. As I grew up, I stored that image in my head; I had to work to buy a house, to start a family and stay with the same employer until retirement.

I think I was off to a good start. I had finished school, had a degree in my pocket. I had a good job, had a house to buy and had just started a family. I was on the right track to shape my life as I had copied from my parents.

At some point, however, a kink appeared. Or maybe several kinks. Life was not going the way I had stored it in my head. I fell ill, I got divorced, I could no longer stay in the house we had bought, I no longer had a job.

The question I asked myself: who was I anymore and what was left of me, I had failed because I did not have the life, as I envisioned it.

So you guessed it; I went through some rabbit holes.

And now?, you wonder, well that's a good question.

The divorce I assumed, to part as friends also for the sake of our son, didn't work out, but that's another story. The house was sold and at the age of 46, I was forced to live with my mother. In short, not the life I wanted and very much not the life I had envisioned. My life was in ruins.

So back to the drawing board to plot out my future life. A friend of mine lived on a campsite in France. Now that I had always had the hankering to live abroad, this option was still very attractive. After long consideration, I made the decision to go to France. This was completely out of my comfort zone and very much not how I envisioned life. But my life was already in ruins and maybe this was the way to pick up my life again, by taking a different route. The plan was, my friend and I wanted to start a business. This failed, and again I or we had to think of something new. Well we had thought of that. We went to Spain; my friend, her partner and I to try to start a business there.

In the end, I went alone in Spain. The first day I was in Spain, I once again found myself in the rabbit hole. All the questions and emotions came up; did I do the right thing here, what am I doing here, what am I going to do, I am going back, what if it all doesn't work out. These questions and many more came up. I cried like a little girl who has just lost her doll.

Luckily, I had the most wonderful neighbours you can ever imagine. An Italian couple. They helped me find my way in the wonderful world called 'Spain'.

Now, three years on, I have my life on track for the time being and I have found out that life doesn't always turn out the way you want it to.

Sometimes you have to carry on and/or step out of your comfort zone to discover the life that suits you and in which you thrive.