I made a trip that I absolutely would not have wanted to miss and I would do it again in a heartbeat. But let me tell you; It's not always easy to have to arrange everything on your own.
Althought I love my life, not having someone around me who can say that everything will be okay, exchange my thoughts with someone, someone who can tell me that I can take off my mask and that I don't have to pretend. That I can cry, swear and scream and that it's okay not to feel okay. This does not have to be a partner. It can also be a very close friend.
Things have come my path way that I have had to arrange myself. Looking back, I'm actually very proud of what I've done so far. However, it is not always possible to go without a fight. Yes, it is a challenge and yes I learned from it, but god it would have been nice every now and then to have someone I could say to; it just doesn't work or would you like to help me.
I can always put on a smile on social media. People can then see how 'happy' and 'lucky' I am and that I am doing well here in Spain. Appearances can be deceiving and few people really know what lies behind my smile.
The few people who say to me; it's okay not to be okay.
Feelings are emotions and go hand in hand and often lurk in the background. Sometimes all it takes is something small to happen and I feel like my whole world is falling apart. My head is sometimes overflowing with questions I ask myself, to which I sometimes know the answer and sometimes I don't.
What is so important to me is that there is someone in my life who can 'read' me and see what is really going on with me. Someone who can see through my smile.
I wouldn’t want to miss this trip for the world, but that doesn't change the fact that many people don't know what it actually means to be somewhere where I don't know anyone, where no one knows me. Where I don't speak the language, where I don't know the rules. To have to start completely over again. Being on my own. I have to make the decisions with my own advice and experience.
I always win the discussions, that I have with myself, because I believe I am always right. But to tell the truth, sometimes I wouldn't mind being wrong.
Starting over was necessary for me, but not easy. Some things have gone smoothly, some things have been the opposite.
I have encountered myself quite a bit and didn't always like it, but it was necessary.
In the end you will come out stronger, but I just want to say:
It's okay not to be okay.
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