Divorce

Divorces are not fun, but sometimes a necessary evil. Divorces bring out many emotions; anger, sadness, fear, grief and many more. No one can say what you are feeling or what you are going through. It is different for everyone. I am divorced, but my process was very different from the process you went through or may still be going through.

At the time my ex and I decided to separate, it was fine with me. We had become known strangers living under the same roof. Many times I have thought that if I have to grow old that way, I would rather die now. That's how bad it was. This intense feeling was there, but the words wouldn't come out. We also had a son and I still thought to myself ‘for the sake of my son, I will keep this up’. But nothing was less true.

My ex and I had been living completely apart for a long time. Our interests were no longer aligned. We had literally grown apart. In the very beginning, we did have similar interests. We liked; music, movies, good food, going out, staying home, board games/computer games. We both enjoyed this for a very long time. Eventually my interest changed in things. His interest was mainly in music and I knew it.

Before I continue with this story I do have to say; it was not only his fault that we grew apart. I too was a part of it, (and that realization came later, by the way) only we had also stopped talking, well, I had stopped talking, as I said "known strangers. In addition, my ex suffered from narcissistic traits and ADHD, which is not a good combo.

I found the divorce quite a thing. My ex and I had been married for almost 20 years. Although we had decided it together and had also decided to separate as friends. I found it hard to accept that there was nothing more we could do to make ‘something’ of it. My ex was much further along in this than I was.

After informing family that we were getting a divorce, the hardest part came; informing my son. He cried and he was angry, but on the other hand he felt that something was going on.
We had hired a mediator because neither of us knew what was expected of us.
In retrospect, I was very happy about this because there was more to it than I could have ever imagined.

Anyway all the papers and stuff gathered together and sent everything. She would put everything in order and come back to us after the divorce application was ready. We would have to sign if we agreed, a lawyer would call if we were really sure, and the court would be notified.

In the meantime, a house had to be sold, cleaned up, things divided. And things he just took, because he thought it would be okay.
I ended up arranging the realtor, arranged for the house to be further refurbished with a friend of mine. Where my ex was in this process...... looking for the next relationship.

From then on, the relationship we had left only got worse. I found out that by now my ex had already found someone else, while we were still officially married and still living in the same house.
Things have been said back and forth and I am not proud of some of them. But at my worst moment; I stood like a fishwife yelling at him, with my son standing next to me. I called him every name in the book that I could think off.

I saw a side of myself that terribly shocked me and never thought I had that side in me. My son was crying terribly and I ran after him.
The only thing my ex could ask was if there was going to be dinner, because he wanted to go to his "girlfriend. From that moment I thought it couldn't get any worse, well I was wrong.

The day we got the news that the divorce had been officially declared, I felt alone, sad and as if a piece had died inside me. I was helping out at a sports club at the time. When I read that message, I broke down in tears. Fortunately, a very dear friend of mine was present at that moment and took me aside. After the initial emotion was gone I went home and felt alone, defeated, that I had failed, sad, but also relieved.

When my ex also came home I asked if he had also read that message and if he wanted to say anything about it. He said that he had read the message, but that to him it felt like this should have happened five years earlier; again, my heart was pounding, my courage was failing me, I felt worthless, I felt taken for granted, in fact I felt like I had been dumped in the trash. Traded in for

someone else.

Not soon after, he had found a house and I was still looking for a rental. The house had sold and I had until April to find something else. Nothing...., nothing at all I could rent because of the ridiculously high requirements. Or you had to earn three to four times the rent and if I could rent anything at all, I had two dogs.

My son and I sat around the table, because he knew I wanted to get out of the Randstad and maybe there was something to rent elsewhere in the country. I had finally found something, but it turned out to be in Groningen, in the midst of earthquakes... Well, again, this is another story.

After the house was sold we had to go to the notary. This was the time I would see my ex again. On the same day the house was inspected for all the things that the buyer and we, read I, had agreed would go out of the house or stay in the house. My real estate agent was present for this and had told me that I did not need to be there, so I had not.

Then my ex, because he was there, called why I wasn't there, because then he could drive with me to the notary. I told him that if he was planning to go, and felt he could ride with me, he could have called me beforehand to discuss it.
I left him that day, just as he had left me. I sat totally emotionless at the notary and signed the contract and got in my car and drove away. My ex.....is driving along with the buyer of our house.

Now you know how I dealt with my divorce. A lot of emotions come out and I have seen a side of myself that I did not know, but very much dislike and I hope never to see it again.
I am now over two years on, and I can say that this road has not been easy, but am now to the point where I have processed most of it. I haven't spoken to my ex for a year. I now live in Spain and have started my ‘new’ life.

I can say that because of this I have become stronger, more hardened, but also enjoy my life again and have therefore found myself again. I am enjoying myself now and that is something I had lost and not felt for a long time.

I want to say to anyone going through a divorce right now; believe in yourself, let the emotions come, be angry, be sad, but also take care of yourself. Talk to someone whether that is a psychologist, social worker or practice support worker.
I have done the same and there is no shame in talking to someone about "how to move forward.

If you are in divorce and you have children; make sure at all times that the children are aware of everything you decide. This does apply to older children. If you have smaller children; care and monitor your children's feelings. Don't let them be even more of a victim of the divorce. There is nothing they can do about it. It is not fair to them to fight the divorce over their backs.

Seek help if you need it, but above all; be kind to yourself, take care of yourself.